the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize