my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
