Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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