maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
