went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
