I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize