then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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