I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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