I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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