Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
