So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
