I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
