things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
