Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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