No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
