I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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