i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize