hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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