Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
did you just send me my own nude
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
