nut hugger
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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