Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
