come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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