from now on my penis is your penis
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
