The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
