woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
