Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
