I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
