I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
