Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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