I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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