I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
