he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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