I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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