1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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