My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
