so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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