all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
