Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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