I puked a lego.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
