My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
