At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize