I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I did not marry a roomba.
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