somebody snuck up and got me drunk
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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