I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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