Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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