His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
