What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
FUCK WHALES
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
