My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
