I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
