2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
