i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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