he thought i was a dude.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I believe in your delicious
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
