I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i dont even know how to be here
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
