Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize