Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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