just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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