We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
