I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
