i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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