Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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