I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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