careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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